After 4 months of living in California, I can’t stop crying over missing New York.
Apparently, there’s a lunar eclipse in Pisces tomorrow, and that intensifies emotions according to the Tiktok astrology girlies. So maybe I don’t need therapy – I’m just in sync with the universe?
But in all seriousness, the New York City shaped hole in my heart is particularly painful today. I happened to land upon this brilliant Cup of Jo blog post Holy Smokes, I’ve Lived in NYC for 20 Years. By the end of post, I was in a puddle of tears.
Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t know if I will ever be able to say I’ve lived in NYC for 20 years anymore (will I ever find my way back there, career wise, or am I stuck in California?). Or perhaps it’s the way I unceremoniously gave up my idyllic brownstone Brooklyn life by choice (how could I be SO stupid?). Or perhaps it’s just Joanna’s incredibly vivid writing bringing back too many memories (nostalgia is a hell of a drug). Is this a lesson in “you never know what you have until you lose it?”.
Funnily enough, I’ve never felt this way about any relationship that ended, whether on my own terms or not. You might miss them for a moment, but you still have yourself to return home to.
The thing about this NYC induced heartache, is I don’t even know if I still have the version of myself that existed in New York. I miss her. The girl that would walk from bodega, to laundromat, to yoga class all in one day (anything under 30 minutes is walking distance!). The girl who was never afraid of doing anything in the city alone – from roaming endless art galleries and museums to dining solo many a Saturday night. The girl who built a small, peaceful but incredibly vibrant life despite all the challenges of living in the city.
Someone once described living in New York as “being in a toxic relationship with the coolest person in the world”. When I was feeling particularly beaten down by the city and itching to leave, that really resonated. But now that I’ve lived 4 months in the never-ending groundhog day that is California life, I question my better judgement. I would kill for just ONE date with that “toxic ex” right about now.
I’ve tried a lot of things to cope. I drink a questionable amount of wine (it’s so cheap in California). I watch NYC based TV shows (they make me cry more though). And I’m planning a trip to NYC in December (this one might actually help ease the pain).
I can’t get over this nagging feeling of “I don’t know who I am anymore in the new context of life in California”. That might be a bit dramatic. Adults move all the time. Hell, I’ve moved cities many times before this time. I just don’t know why this one is so painful.
I doubt there’s anyone even reading this, ha.
But if you are, and happen to have some experience getting over missing New York City, would you kindly share your tips? I don’t know how to get over heartache quite this bad.
